


Things Shade's Order of Heroes is Not Allowed to Do Anymore

by Lord_Berkut



Series: Fire Emblem Heroes Crack [2]
Category: Fire Emblem Heroes
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Spoilers, Summoner is my oc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-04-21 23:40:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14295978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lord_Berkut/pseuds/Lord_Berkut
Summary: Because this is getting way out of hand





	1. 1-100

  1. Arvis is not allowed to roast Sigurd and Seliph. Figuratively and literally. 
  2. All ranged units are not allowed to complain about Distant Counter. There are only 2 units with it, one of them being a seasonal and the other is a 5* exclusive.
  3. Further, Reds, Blues, Colorless and some greens aren’t allowed to bitch about Dire Thunder.
  4. Connected to 1, Sigurd and Seliph aren’t allowed to steal Binding Blade to scorch Arvis
  5. Incest jokes are forbidden, enough said.
  6. Cecillia, please stop tormenting Reinhardt, he’s crying and Shade needs him for the battlefield.
  7. No one can call Ryoma a lobster. Effie, we’re serious
  8. Ryoma, please stop making fun of Xander’s Easter and Summer outfits. I know you need to get back at him but please stop. 
  9. Frederick, please stop with your fanatical fitness program. Berkut has passed out from dehydration twice. Plus you ride a horse. Why do you need leg day?
  10. Corns and Robins are not allowed to date each other.
  11. For the love of Naga, please stop trying to pin Anthony to a cross and burn him alive. He’s crying in the corner and Lachesis is sick of dealing with the brothers in the infirmary due to Reinhardt
  12. Reminder that supports are there to help in battle, not to get into each other’s pants. It’s pure coincidence that Reinhardt and Lukas got together afterwards.
  13. Whoever is blaring Dude looks like a lady whenever Lucius walks into the room needs to stop.
  14. Genny, please stop taking the voting gauntlet papers and making fics out of them. Chrom and Ephraim are scared.
  15. Whenever Felicia, Berkut, Arvis, Sigurd and Seliph are in the room, please refrain from making bbq jokes.
  16. Sakura, please stop jumpscaring Reinhardt, even if it is accidental. 
  17. Whoever is calling Arden thick with Q’s needs to stop. That’s not even the highest defense. 
  18. Frederick, Elise, Tiki, Leo, please put on more appropriate clothes for Nifl. You can still use your summer weapons though.
  19. Kids, after halloween, don’t take candy from strangers. Nino almost got traumatized if it wasn’t for Lyon being nearby. 
  20. Furthermore, Wrys isn’t a pedophile.
  21. Whoever keeps making Uncle jokes is getting killed -Berkut
  22. Serra, please stop annoying Matthew. I keep finding him hiding in Ike’s room.
  23. All close combat units flee from enemy Arya’s unless you are Berkut or Clive. Leave it to them, Reinhardt or Leon please.
  24. Lillina is not a Reinhardt killer because of the voting gauntlet. Please leave all Reinhardt slaying to our Reinhardt, Julia, Hector or Titania. 
  25. Kagero and Camilla don’t have bunny boobies. 
  26. Genny and Fae are friends, not food. 
  27. Zelgius is not the Burger King so please stop giving him Burger King food.
  28. Disregard the above -Zelgius.
  29. Whoever made Reinhardt and Mae 3* is a blessing to this world -Shade
  30. Lukas, please don’t try to break up any fights between Cecillia and Reinhardt since he got a new form, Reinhardt needs revenge. 
  31. Reinhardt, please stop giving people from Judgral bear hugs. Saias had to be sent to medbay after you let go.
  32. Also on this note: Reinhardt, please stop chasing Leif. I know you did so back home but please no. 
  33. Boey, please stop stalking Leif because you have the same artist. He’s creeped out. 
  34. Whoever keeps pinning Anthony to a cross in order to get Fernand or Rinea here is going to hell -Berkut
  35. Berkut please come to the summoner’s room for your reward for bringing Camus home.
  36. Also, all green units need to stop calling Camus “Camoo”. He is not a cow, Feh just mispronounced that part due to lack of accent.
  37. Ike, we told you this. Genny, Fae and Feh aren’t food, they’re friends.
  38. Lon’qu, stop threatening Fjorm with your “god powers”. Just because you had Triangle Adept 2 and beat Bruno up doesn’t mean you can run around fighting blue units. 
  39. Effie, please stop eating rocks. 
  40. All VA jokes are prohibited. 
  41. Arvis, we’re serious. Stop with the Smash Jokes.
  42. On this note, please stop asking Reinhardt if he has style, grace and a funny face. 
  43. Next person to compare Berkut to Whis and Reinhardt to Beerus of Dragon Ball is going to be Hector’s target practice.
  44. Disregard the above -Reinhardt and Berkut
  45. Cards Against Humanity is banned around Anthony, Nino and Delthea. 
  46. Gordin, please stop with the “But mars” meme
  47. Takumi isn’t the problem and solution to everything
  48. Lukas is the only person who can sing “Make a Man out of you” during training. We all know who’s been breaking this rule.
  49. Lon’qu, stop with the “Do u now de wae memes”
  50. Also Shade, why did you show Mae and Berkut memes? -Alfonse
  51. Whoever is forcing Beruka,Lissa, Lachesis, Elincia and Caeda into Sailor Moon outfits with Tobin as Tuxedo Mask?
  52. That was me- Tobin.
  53. Going back to Rule 47, Tobin is also not a fix all to everything
  54. Stop giving Alm the “Destroying your whole family” award. Berkut is now handing out “C bomb” awards because of it. 
  55. Say it with me now, CLIVE IS NOT IN LOVE WITH KERMIT
  56. Alright, who put Sigurd, Arvis, Eliwood and Takumi in “Fire Emblem”
  57. Berkut, don’t bloodbend Alm like he’s your puppet. We’ll have a talk about that.
  58. Shade, please stop asking me to do the windy thing. What even is a windy thing? - Lyn
  59. Twilight Jokes are now prohibited around Jakob, Lukas, Eliwood and the Dawn Brigade’s Edward when he gets here. 
  60. Lon’qu, Odin, Reinhardt, please stop making FMA jokes. Shade’s crying in the corner. 
  61. Reinhardt, stop dying everyone’s horses MLP colors and giving your’s fake wings. 
  62. STOP WITH THE FROZEN JOKES. Fjorm is still crying.
  63. Also, Gunnthra, why did you fake die? That’s not nice
  64. Niles stop greasing the floors in the mess hall and the plates. Felicia doesn’t need this
  65. Jakob, I control the order of heroes. No your complaining and calling Lachesis a bitch is not going to help. You are going to be Hawkeye’s partner whether you like it or not. 
  66. A daily Setsuna hunt is now in place. Everyone minus the healers have to patch up all holes in the area until she is found. The healers will continue their healing business. 
  67. Ryoma’s hair is not a place to hide yourself or objects
  68. Lost in Thought’s All Alone is not allowed at Karaoke night
  69. SUPPORTS DOES NOT MEAN A FUCKING ORGY. 
  70. Odin stop with the pokemon jokes, Michaiah and Tiki don’t like it. 
  71. Odin, get me a Pikachu onesie? - Tiki
  72. Frederick, take down all the unflattering portraits please. 
  73. Flame on is not a correct greeting for Sigurd, Arvis, Berkut or Gunnthra. Likewise ice to meet you isn’t one for Felicia, Gunnthra, Fjorm or Ninian. 
  74. Virion, stop with the weeds. Some of us are allergic to these weeds. 
  75. Reinhardt, please stop showing off Olwen like you’re Mae Hughes from Full Metal Alchemist. I know she just came home but she’s getting embarrassed. 
  76. Casual Fridays are not a thing. Please wait till Summer to use less clothing. 
  77. Legion,Peri and Oscar don’t cook humans. Please stop with this rumor. 
  78. All dragons must stop giving the Robins dragonstones. 
  79. Reinhardt does not have tiny hands just really big sleeves. 
  80. Reinhardt, please stop jumpscaring Hector while wearing a chainsaw mask and your new blade.
  81. Also on this note, whoever is lugging around a bear costume to scare Frederick is a dick.
  82. BERKUT IS NOT LIGHT YAGAMI ODIN
  83. Ike, Stahl, Elise’s pigtails aren’t breadsticks. Don’t eat them.
  84. Titania, please stop trying to kill Zelgius. I know he murdered your crush and all, but 1, he has weapon triangle advantage and 2, you have an Emerald Axe. 
  85. Narcian, please stop dressing up Feh whenever we get a castle upgrade. She just wants a nap.
  86. Due to lack of productivity among the army, a chore chart has now been put into place. This chore chart does not impact any healers as they have enough to do. Such chores include meal prep, cleaning the stables, fixing and replacing training dummies, laundry and other menial tasks in order to up productivity. Said chore chart can be found next to Da Rules Book you are reading.
  87. The Feh chore is being changed weekly so no one can abuse said power. 
  88. Due to complaining, here’s some explanation. Anyone who just came back from a mission is not allowed to be forced into chores. Battling is considered a chore so Jakob and Frederick need to quit their bitching. 
  89. Anthony and Nino now need to be given less complicated tasks like folding laundry. Such small kids cannot reach high places in the kitchen and they avoided a lot of burns. 
  90. Dorcas, Genny is not your mutton. She’s a good girl.
  91. There is no correct god, all of them live in peace and like to get high on the weekends. 
  92. Threatening people to tell them about homestuck is forbidden
  93. Whoever told Lyon about Homestuck is in a lot of trouble.
  94. Robin/Robout and Corrin/Corrout jokes have been added to the list of banned jokes
  95. Due to the success of the chore chart, we have added a recreation room with things from my (the summoner’s Shade’s) world, like TVs, Video Games, and other things
  96. No I will not summon any characters from Smash to fight. 
  97. Hector, please stop sounding like Hans from Fates when you play GTA, it’s waking Tiki up and she starts to panic. 
  98. Azura, Shigure, karaoke is now forbidden after 9pm except for special events because of how loud you get 
  99. Marth put on some fucking pants. This isn’t 1991
  100. HECTOR I AM NOT GETTING YOU JETPACK BECAUSE YOU SAW ONE IN OVERWATCH




	2. 101-200

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How bad is this army at following rules?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't mind it's 1-100. That's AO3 being a derp.

  1. Everyone stop abandoning that one teammate and then saying “goodbye you little shit.” It’s annoying.
  2. All red units need to stop complaining about Reinhardt’s 5 other very small versions of himself. They can’t do much except fall on their face.
  3. Lon’qu keeping tiny Ninos as pets is a bad idea.
  4. Xander is not a communist Anna. Please stop trying to spread this.
  5. Quit calling Athena and Eliwood bug eyes, they don’t deserve that. Also the next person to call Lloyd a meth head is getting sent to clean the bathrooms. 
  6. Leon, stop having a gay off with Soren and Niles. 
  7. After numerous complaints, everyone must stop asking Ike, Eldigan, Ephraim and Lukas to read a cheesecake recipe at random times, but meal prep is ok. Reinhardt, Lachesis, Lyon and Soren can’t contain the nose bleeds anymore and blood is hard to get out of carpet.
  8. Also Lachesis isn’t horny for her brother. She’s married to Finn and has 2 amazing kids. 
  9. Camilla, Sonya, Tharja, stop smothering people with your boobs (Sonya less than the others but you get the point)
  10. Gaius, stay out of my room! That’s my things you are invading and my candy you are eating!
  11. Alfonse is not the Bench Lord or Chrom 2.0. He has feelings. 
  12. Est, but Dragons is not a valid excuse anymore. 
  13. RYOMA IS NOT A LOBSTER FOR FUCKS SAKE
  14. No mounts in the bathhouse
  15. Matthew, stop taking Arthur’s maps. The poor guy found himself in Infernal Legion once. 
  16. Shade, put some damn pants on. No one needs to see you walking the halls at night at 3 am while your in a tshirt and underwear looking for food -Alfonse
  17. Fuga is not Mr. Clean. Enough with that.
  18. Nor is he One Punch Man
  19. Using Setsuna and Arthur as Trapsweepers is a dick move. 
  20. “I’m really feeling it” is now forbidden as a battlecry until Shade can fight -Berkut
  21. Stop putting legos around the Corrin’s room. They might be a bad lord but they brought a cinnamon roll
  22. Selena is no longer allowed to manage our finances.
  23. Frederick, we know you like to get up early but stop staring at Chrom until he wakes up.
  24. Saizo doesn’t have a Sharigan
  25. Frederick must be under supervision when making fires. Arvis is not considered supervision
  26. All talk of corrupt rulers must be avoided when Anthony is in the room. He keeps getting Anxiety attacks. 
  27. Elise, stop asking Lukas if he even lifts. Isn’t it obvious with the fact he wears so little armor but so much defense?
  28. Effie is not allowed on mess hall duty unless Shade is also on mess hall. We don’t have the funds for these rations. 
  29. No Reinhardt, stripping for horny women is not going to get us funds. We’ve been over this. 
  30. Soleil is banned from kareoke night. 
  31. Lyon and Berkut cannot have anymore demon offs. 
  32. Due to Lukas’ absence because of things he cannot control, if Reinhardt starts snuggling with you in the middle of the night, do not resist. It’s basically his way to get rid of nightmares.
  33. Alm and Celica are no longer allowed to be on kitchen duty. 
  34. Berkut is not allowed to have dance offs with Olivia, Ninian and Inigo
  35. Gray, 50 Shades of Gray has nothing to do with you cloning me 49 times so put that in Frederick’s burn pile
  36. Dabbing is now banned. 
  37. Laundry Pods are now only to be kept on the highest shelf in the laundry room. One of the Smolhardts almost ate one along with Tiki and Nowi.
  38. Due to some fuck ups, Fernand and Rinea are now here. No I am not sending them home, Berkut needs to show them his new friends.
  39. Yes Berkut is engaged, get over it. 
  40. Any fetish art from DeviantArt **WILL** not be attempted. Ya nasties. 
  41. Whoever is playing the DK Rap at 3 am needs to stop. 
  42. Lon’qu, enough of the Dio jokes
  43. Referring to Hector as “One Hell of a Guy” is not allowed near the younger heroes.
  44. The PA system is being taken away at night. I’ve had enough of being Rickrolled. 
  45. Micaiah stop with the Father of Sothe’s Children jokes.
  46. Fernand, we found your private writings. Do you know Berkut is 17?
  47. Reinhardt is not allowed to punch Julius in the face when he arrives. 
  48. Olwen however is allowed to beat the fuck out of Kempf when he arrives cuz he’s an ass. 
  49. Due to numerous requests from Fjorm, we now have an animal shelter wing built in. You can play with the kittens and puppies all you want since all Feh does is sleep. KEEP IN MIND that this adds 1 more responsibility to the chore chart. 
  50. Robin, Soren, unbarricade the library immediately.
  51. Berkut, Reinhardt, stop blaring We are Number One at the most inappropriate times so Anthony can do the opening with a trombone
  52. More importantly, where did he get one and the lessons?
  53. In a few weeks, I am going to Disney for my 16th birthday, and I have already assigned my stand in. Why am i mentioning this? Well I can bring some people with me, so you all better be on your best behavior.
  54. Whoever gave Henry a set of 3DMG is in big trouble. Where did you get that and where can I get one?
  55. Somehow I fucked up again so now we can have pokemon.
  56. Please don’t make fun of Berkut for having a Sylveon. That thing can and will kick your ass. 
  57. Fjorm, stop freezing everyone, ok?
  58. Rule 34 site has been banned due to Seliph finding it and crying. 
  59. Anthony, how in the ass did you befriend the god of the pokemon world?
  60. No we cannot use Articuno and Lugia to destroy Muspell. It is ok to befriend the duo.
  61. Niles stop using Unown to spell out dirty words. It’s annoying and disturbing
  62. Playing the Ouran High Host Club theme is the worst way to summon the Deliverance we do have. They have broken several windows because of this. 
  63. Niles is no longer allowed to read bedtime stories after his edition of “Go the Fuck to Sleep.”
  64. Niles is now banned from buying books for our library. What is he even doing?
  65. Any “Mica Sue” jokes are banned. She is not a mary sue, she just had a very bad script. 
  66. Twilight parodies are allowed though, I am not banning you guys from making them.
  67. Rapidash is not a steed. Quit trying to light your dick on fire Berkut. 
  68. Likewise, Zebstrika are also not steeds. 
  69. Mae, stop using Darkrai to jump scare Boey. 
  70. Seliph, I know you just got your first dirt bike ever for your birthday, but not in the castle. The carpets have to have a special washing treatment. 
  71. Hector, stop dragging Armads on the carpet, this is the 3rd set we’ve had to replace.
  72. Yelling suck it nerd to any mage upon their defeat is prohibited.
  73. Same applies to Fir with Arya. 
  74. STOP JACKING OFF TO DRAGON TALES LIKE IT’S PORN ZEPHIEL! THIS IS SOMETHING WE’VE BEEN OVER!
  75. Arden is not a creep who cannibalizes people. Stop spreading this to the new recruits. 
  76. Stop doing dad/yo mama jokes on the more sensitive heroes please.
  77. I mean dad jokes as in targeting your dad jokes. Bad jokes are still encouraged.
  78. Cosplaying is allowed to a certain extent, just not on the battlefield. I will go more into detail as more questions arise. 
  79. Whoever is putting laxatives in our food, please stop. Whoever finds the culprit is getting a huge reward.
  80. Berkut, if you could be so kind as to control the inner Duma by giving him a bagel or something? Anthony’s having panic attacks from all his screaming. 
  81. Whoever dressed Hector in a Cannibal Lecter outfit is a massive prick.
  82. Ephraim, please stop getting off to all the pain that Infernal mode brings you. Lyon is disturbed.
  83. All extra agricultural work must be approved by Donnel or myself.
  84. Due to an orange hitting my face you can also ask Alm, Gray, Faye or Tobin.
  85. Anthony is not a steed in his transformed state. He only did that once so Nino could reach the cookies when Fae was upset about the gauntlet.
  86. Jakob, it is banned to yell “time to take out the trash” and then throw Anthony into the burn pile. 
  87. Peeing in the Hot Springs is disgusting guys. Don’t. 
  88. Any animals are not allowed to be in the hot springs. We have a special area to wash your steeds/pets people.
  89. Getting Feh wet is banned. 
  90. Azama and Serra are banned from sermons. 
  91. It is ok for Wrys to give you people hair cuts. He once did mine and it looked amazing
  92. Takumi is not a pineapple
  93. Kaze is not a pedophile. The Sakura he is married to is over 18.
  94. Camilla, please stop turning very quickly while someone short is near you. Lissa still has a black eye
  95. Niles is now banned from being near Wind Attribute people for “asking them to blow him.”
  96. Everyone, Azura does know more than “Lost in Thoughts All Alone.”
  97. Calling Camilla “Ms. Thundertits” is extremely rude.
  98. Camilla is not a Cow, so quit asking for milk.
  99. Rule 198 also applies to Camus
  100. Faceless and Stoneborn are not pets. Anthony is here because he is the faceless version of a manakete. Don’t confuse the two. 




	3. 201-300

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damn you people are bad at this.

  1. The Mii Channel Theme is no longer allowed in the main hall
  2. STOP SHOWING BERKUT AND ALM PORN OF THE TWO FUCKING. THIS SHOULDN’T BE THAT HARD
  3. Sticking Bugle Chips on your fingers and pretending to be Berkut is highly offensive to him and a waste of perfectly good food.
  4. Witch Fingers are still allowed however. 
  5. Slow and Gravity staffs are banned when playing tag. Play nice and fair Elise. 
  6. Quit calling Abel “Annabel”. He is not a creepy doll just because he sells us nice things sometimes. 
  7. Effie, Chrom, calm the fuck down with the energy drops. Let Odin, Felicia and Henry have some
  8. Lissa, what’s with the giant ass bst? Are you hiding something in your christmas dress we don’t know about?
  9. Edit to Rule 208. We found Ricken in her hoopskirt some how. I think that should decrease her bst.
  10. Edit to 208 and 209: She is still buff af. Also Ricken is now helping us run the animal shelter wing. 
  11. All Hoshidans need to stop comparing Ricken to Hayato and Shigure. 
  12. Marth, there was no need to set up a same va club, especially for you, but thank you for your kind gesture to keep us busy for a bit.
  13. These rotten easter eggs need to be found and pitched before the queen and king find them. Our 6 easter heroes will be the commanders for this mission while Alfonse, Sharena and I will be bombing this place with febreeze.
  14. Calling Sutr a “Laughing Joking Numbnut” is a perfectly good insult, just wear fake glasses and a white shirt when you do it off of the battlefield. 
  15. Mia, Lon’qu, stop nyooming everywhere when we want to have a conversation with you. Are you guys like Sonic and Shadow or something?
  16. Due to this new revelation, someone has to see if Lon’qu and Mia do the Naruto run like Reinhardt does.
  17. Yes, I get that a lot of you are pissed that Lukas has that much defense with so little armor, but be nice to him. Reinhardt is in enough trouble for Naruto running straight into a wall and putting a dent in it and we don’t want to break the stud anymore. 
  18. No, Lukas is not a sociopath or an emotionless killer. Clive and Mathilda are constantly horny for each other so it makes Lukas look dead in comparison.
  19. Lukas, please help me understand the logic that Tharja in her winter form can have up to 36 res on neutral. Henry’s halloween outfit has spirits which help guard him and Wrys has been a faithful priest all his life. Please explain this.
  20. On this note: Jakob’s Halloween form is an armored unit due to that GIANT ASS BALL AND CHAIN ON HIS ANKLE. HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE NOT SEE THAT?!
  21. Nowi is banned from going near red chalk after eating some.
  22. Where the fuck did all this Faygo and Betty Crocker stuff coming from.
  23. Guys, Celica and Sonya are not the Batterwitch. Berkut is not Eridan. Reinhardt is not Gamzee. Nowi, you are not Terezi. Oboro is not Kanaya. Leo is not genderbent Rose. I am not Dave Strider (even though sometimes I wish I was), Anthony is not Nepeta. QUIT DRESSING US UP LIKE HOMESTUCK CHARACTERS.
  24. Lyon, put the makeup down, you are not Kurloz.
  25. QUIT THROWING BOATS AT URSULA. SHE IS NOT THE SAME CHARACTER FROM THE DISNEY MOVIE
  26. Berkut is not Pipimi, even though he has the same voice actor and wants to do a genderbent cosplay of her with me as Popuko. 
  27. Enough with the Jimmy Happy Family Happy hour video. It’s getting old. 
  28. “I will churn thy butter.” is not sexy. Please stop that Niles.
  29. Someone let me know whenever Who’s Line is on. I want to draw some of you guys in those scenarios.
  30. Wrys is not Captain Hair. 
  31. Randomly breaking out into song is getting banned at this rate. 
  32. Flipping people off is not a new spell to make your fingers go blurry. 
  33. Ike is not allowed to try on Camilla’s bras. He got stuck into them
  34. Quit asking if Niles winks or blinks. That is confusing. 
  35. Please contain all rage in Mario Party
  36. Rule 235 also applies to Mario Kart and Monopoly.
  37. We now have a suggestion box for Cards Against Humanity Nights. 
  38. A recreational event calendar is now posted in the Recreation room. These include tournaments, CAH nights, darts and general relax time.
  39. Henry, quit summoning your crows around Raven.
  40. Henry also needs to stop his bird puns around Raven
  41. Henry also needs to stop with putting random dead body parts around. Everyone is throwing up and it hides the eggs even more.
  42. Whoever is tripping people on the stairs needs to stop. We can’t keep mattresses at the bottom of the stairs. 
  43. Azama needs to stop pushing people down the stairs
  44. Azama can make all the sermons he wants, can push people down the stairs and tell whoever he wants that life doesn’t matter.
  45. Azama is now banned from making rules.
  46. Cain, stop stealing Sully’s Red Bull. I don’t care about the pun potential.
  47. Clarine,Serra, Selena, stop bedazzling everyone’s weapons
  48. VIRION.ENOUGH.WITH.THE.MOTHER.FUCKING.WEEDS
  49. Calling Corrins “Corn on the cob” is banned by everyone except Anthony.
  50. Anthony is also banned and will be punished by your local princes.
  51. Ryoma and Xander are now banned from making rules.
  52. Niles has to now be at least 50 feet away from all sock puppets. 
  53. Donnel’s pot is not to be used for cooking unless you have his permission. 
  54. Gerome is not Anime Batman
  55. Disregard the above -Cherche.
  56. Enough with the Hanacide jokes. 
  57. Taller heroes must go on one knee during daily headpat. I am very smol.
  58. Julia is NOT a reason we stopped incest. Her twin brother on the other hand, definitely. Julia is pure.
  59. Quit uploading Kagero’s art into cringe compilations. She is improving. 
  60. Putting Anthony on ebay is banned and highly illegal. 
  61. Titania, you will be able to wield Urvan soon enough. You are not allowed to use it on Zelgius however. He is a friend, not a foe.
  62. Using Talitu’s face as an emoji is now banned. 
  63. Emojis are permanently banned. The default :) is still allowed.
  64. Also, would you guys stop walking into infernal maps for Pokemon go?
  65. Also I am not ditching Team Instinct for Valor or Mystic no matter how hard you try.
  66. Odin is not Spark.
  67. You people are not allowed to ship glitter to fellow heroes.
  68. Or dog shit.
  69. Doing so to our enemies is gray area.
  70. Siegbert, could we talk about cutting your mullet down a bit? It’s starting to look like Anthony’s hairstyle and I don’t want your dad to get paranoid. 
  71. I am now allowing you guys to have different fandoms, but please no fandom wars. 
  72. There will be no judging of fandoms, especially the odder ones, so stop giving Berkut shit for being in the Steven Universe Fandom and Lyon in the Homestuck fandom.
  73. Selena, we are not building a starbucks into the barracks. You know we’re barely finishing up the payments with the animal shelter funds.
  74. New chore added: Finding the animals good homes. 
  75. Well, I guess I should introduce our secondary mascot. His name is Pawlfonse and he is the fluffiest Husky you can imagine. A very good doggo, so don’t adopt him out.
  76. Alm and Celica also have a cat named Sir Purr. He is a gray tabby cat with a green collar so don’t adopt him out.
  77. Guys, please watch Sir Purr. He almost ate Feh twice. 
  78. Soren, please stop trying to scare Genny away like a pissed off cat. She is S supported with Ike for a reason.
  79. Sir Purr is being a dick by messing with our tactics. Alm, Celica, please have a better watch of him.
  80. Dogfighting Pawlfonse and Berkut’s Sylveon is banned. 
  81. In fact all not playful pet fighting is banned in general. 
  82. Cockfighting with your dicks is also banned in public. Looking at you Lon’qu and Reinhardt.
  83. Reinhardt’s dick is not a replacement for a lightsaber. Just because it glows at the worst times due to dire thunder does not make that ok.
  84. No, Undo all these rules again.
  85. Niles is banned from making rules. 
  86. Fandom discussions are now a part of the Recreation calendar.
  87. Did Veronica just steal Pawlfonse? Anyways, all chores are null until we get him back!
  88. The guards need to do a better job at watching the gate so Veronica can’t get in.
  89. Veronica now has to pay a 250 gold fee to pet Pawlfonse. 
  90. Shouting Begone Thot as a critical quote is banned unless you are one of the Thot Patrol (Shanna, Ike and Ninian) or are fighting Loki. 
  91. WHOEVER PAINTED PAWLFONSE WHITE TO MAKE HIM INTO BEC IS IN BIG TROUBLE.
  92. Xander is no longer allowed to make jokes for the sole reason of Berkut almost killing him thinking he was possessed by Duma.
  93. Bartre, please stop with the Hammer time jokes and the MC Hammer pants. This isn’t the 80’s and your embarrassing Fir. 
  94. Reinhardt cannot help that he has 2 forms. Quit being a dick to him. He’s crying. Thanks a lot assholes. 
  95. Arvis can no longer add onto official rules without the summoner’s permission.
  96. All dark mages involved with transforming the main 8 into dolls, please come and see me. You’ve crossed the fucking line.
  97. Due to some unfortunate events, Henry has to be monitored at all times when I am not present, Tharja cannot get out of her stalker baby jail yet and Lyon can come out of the corner in 5 minutes, and give him a cookie and a hug. He really didn’t mean it this time.
  98. Because of events, our new team for missions is Berkut, Lyn, Julia and Matthew until the effects wear off.
  99. Genny, Anthony and Nino are going to be monitoring our.. Crap how do i put this… comatose? Idk. friends until the spell wears off or we can figure out how to reverse it. 
  100. Edit to 299: Lyon is now helping monitor because he is very sad and needs to do something to help make it up.



  
  



	4. 301-400

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why the fuck is y'all so bad at this?

 

  1. Legion is banned from eating or cooking hot dogs so his organ fetish doesn’t give him a boner
  2. WE DON’T HAVE CASUAL FRIDAYS. WE ARE NOT FIGHTING IN MUSPELL IN ONLY OUR UNDERWEAR
  3. With summer coming up, we are not body shaming anyone for something that they have no control over.
  4. An update to the previous rule: Oliver is not allowed to go any nuder than a one piece bathing suit due to him trying to shove his man boobs in peoples faces. 
  5. Peri is also now banned from hot dogs.
  6. Fast food puns are banned now. These include Burger Knight, Mcdonnel’s, Kentucky Fried Sigurd.
  7. Edit to 306: Give all the Burger King food to Zelgius. 
  8. Zelgius is no longer allowed to edit the rules so he can get free Burger King.
  9. Lyn, we’re serious about 290. Stop calling Camilla a thot. 
  10. Camilla is no longer allowed to be near the dollified 8 until they are back to normal.
  11. Due to some things… We are now selling merchandise of the order. Abel, Anna, Nowi will be the main runners of said shop.
  12. Nowi, stop replacing the sign on the shop with a Tem Shop logo.
  13. Soren, stop stealing all the Ike dolls. You can buy one when you get the money for one. 
  14. Likewise, Cordelia needs to return all the Chrom dolls and Catria needs to return all the Marth dolls. At least Faye paid for her two Alm dolls. 
  15. Robins, stop reorganizing the dolls to fit your otps. 
  16. Niles, stop sending doll incest to Arvis, Eldigan, Ephraim and Eirika for blackmail. They have you blocked for a reason.
  17. Azama needs to have a guard when he goes to get herbs for Jakob. No one wants to see sounds or have dragons in the mess hall again
  18. LEGENDARY WEAPONS ARE NOT FRUIT CUTTERS MORGAN
  19. No one is allowed to compare dick sizes. Anthony is now very uncomfortable and I don’t care how long Reinhardt’s lightsaber cock is. 
  20. Can we all stop making fun of Tobin’s Hero Title? He’s a really good archer so.
  21. Guys, there is not a spell to lengthen the size of your dick. Just because you watched on Whose Line Is It Anyways doesn’t mean it actually exists.
  22. Thank you to Rinea for helping cure the 8 of their curse. 
  23. Tharja is still not allowed to be removed from her stalker baby jail until we get an actual prison thing running so they can stay there until heroes behave. 
  24. Berkut, stop blood bending Camus into doing the “stop hitting yourself” routine. It’s humorous but very rude. 
  25. Arvis, the bear hug rule on Saias also applies to you. We know he’s your spawn but… 
  26. Who in the ass is playing the Space Jam theme at 3 am?
  27. Bartre, stop eating people’s tomes. Especially the rare ones like Dire Thunder. 
  28. “In America” memes are banned until further notice by the council of “Stop pissing off Olwen.”
  29. Niles, stop making porn with the dolls. 
  30. Niles is now going to be in the cell next to Tharja until further notice. 
  31. Due to a mess up, Orsin from Tharcia 776 is now here. 
  32. Hector, Orsin is not a cheap knock off. In fact he did the ranged axe thing before you.
  33. Orsin, Reinhardt is our friend. He might be a foe in your world, but now he’s our ally. 
  34. Alright, who the fuck let Ugandan Knuckles in here. We need to kill the bastard. 
  35. Asking Ike if he gave so and so the D is forbidden.
  36. Niles, stop trying to provoke Soren.
  37. Stop trying to get Berkut to scream Uncle. 
  38. Arvis is on watch when making fires.
  39. Selena, stop trying to spend our budget on my birthday. Sharena is already planning a party for me. 
  40. Due to the Summon shooty gun going weird, we now have new heroes.  Vaida, Leila, Canas and Sain from the World of Blazing, Benny, Charlotte, Kaze and Reina from the World of Fates, Ishtar from the World of Judgral, Libra and Priam from the World of Awakening and Rutger, Dieck and Lugh from the World of Binding. 
  41. Henry, Peri, Vaida, STOP HAVING A MAIMING CONTEST. Everyone’s cowering in the corner and Hector is 300% done with this shit.
  42. LUGH.IS.NOT.A.BANANA.
  43. It’s ok Jaffar, you’ll be fine, these are you kids from the future. 
  44. Lyon, don’t spread Homestuck to the new heroes. We’ll let you know when Knoll’s here ok bud?
  45. Giving Fjorm smores is no longer allowed outside of events due to her crying over her sister (still)
  46. Sain, Laslow, quit trying to get into everyone’s pants. Or lack of pants.
  47. All females need to wear pants if they aren’t already (Julia and Dierdre are excluded from this rule since their dresses are very long and soft)
  48. Soren, Priam is not your’s and Ike’s kid. He’s from Chrom’s time so stop being mean to Genny. 
  49. Raven, Libra is not replacing Lucius. One is a staff user, the other is an axe user.
  50. No Lyon, Libra is not associated with Terezi. Please stop.
  51. Matthew, Reinhardt, are you guys ok? When the new heroes were summoned, you guys were crying and holding them tight. Wanna talk about this?
  52. Reina is now added to the list of people not allowed to have a maiming contest.
  53. Bartre, tomes aren’t for eating. Canas has been over this several times.
  54. All manaketes and wyvern riders are paying for the tomes they/their mounts have eaten. ESPECIALLY YOU CHERCHE.
  55. Kaze and Saizo aren’t the Mario bros. 
  56. Kagero isn’t Peach
  57. Now with Charlotte here, she is not going to be forced into that bride outfit.
  58. Shanna, stop gloating to Takumi about how you kicked his ass to Dieck. The Pineapple has no self esteem left.
  59. Takumi is not a pineapple.
  60. Charlotte, please stop trying to flirt with all the noblemen. Your husband is here and he’s very annoyed.
  61. Also your son.
  62. And your siblings in law.
  63. Rutger is not Edgier Karel.
  64. Rutger, quit trying to kill Fir. She’s really nice. 
  65. Priam, Ike, Effie, stop eating all our rations. 
  66. Donnel is now leading a hunting squadron to replenish our meat supply. 
  67. The word hunting somehow spawned the coconut.
  68. Kiragi is not a coconut according to Oboro and Takumi.
  69. Talitiu, it’s ok to hang out with Ishtar. She’s nice and not like her mom.
  70. Hilda is a bitch is now our new motto when going into Judgral.
  71. And a thot -Talitiu.
  72. Julia, quit acting like the reborn Naga and hitting Berkut with Naga’s tome. He might’ve been possessed at one point but he isn’t now. 
  73. Soliel cannot hit girls after 9 pm.
  74. Benny and Ricken should be the only ones behind the counter at the animal shelter wing. They have the skills. 
  75. Edit to 374: Also surprisingly Henry as well.
  76. With the new update to the barracks in the form of a prison, I have invited Kellam of the Awakening World to help guard it.
  77. Also **KELLAM IS NOT A GHOST.** Please say you see him, he’s a good bean.
  78. Anthony, Kellam’s armor is not a fort to read picture books in with Nino. We’ll get you one soon enough. 
  79. Hey Serra, why is Erk here? And why is he cowering on the ceiling from you?
  80. We are now doing mandatory team building exercises once a week to get to know our new heroes. Failure to show up will result in you losing Recreation room access until you attend said events. 
  81. Nowi, quit playing the Tem Shop theme when it’s your shift at the store. Anna’s getting annoyed. 
  82. Math jokes around Mathilda are now banned until further notice until she calms down.
  83. 382 also applies to Clermit. 
  84. We’re serious Delthea. We know of your crush on him but he’s twice your age. 
  85. Where’s Pawlfonse? AND WHERE IS VAIDA!?
  86. Edit: Heath found both. Thank you for your membership Heath. 
  87. Azama is permanently banned from his healing duties after sticking a dead hamster up Reinhardt’s asshole for “being a rodent in the arena.” He is now in Asshole baby jail with Tharja.
  88. LYON.ENOUGH WITH THE HOMESTUCK. 
  89. Alright, who the fuck showed Benny that “Shut the Fuck up”!? I’m killing a bastard! -Charlotte
  90. Lissa, we’re all proud of your restraint on April Fool’s day but can you remove the whoopie cushions off of the horses’ saddles. 
  91. Henry, what’s with all the skeletons in our armor? Is there something you want to talk about?
  92. Sain, Olivia will not twerk for you.
  93. Twerking is now on ban.
  94. No matter how much bad fetish art you see, Ike, pouring bleach in your eyes is not appropriate. 
  95. Blaring the My Little Pony theme when Reinhardt, Eliwood, Titania and Berkut are in the same room is punishable by dishwashing.
  96. Where did these Mettaton legs come from?
  97. Berkut, we appreciate the enthusiasm for the Donkey Kong 64 marathon, but could you please put on some skin colored pants? That tie does not leave a lot to the imagination, and Anthony is very confused. 
  98. Reinhardt also needs to put pants on because there is no tie on his Diddy costume. Like now.
  99. Fall jokes are now banned around Chrom in fear of getting punched in the face.
  100. Niles, the Ocean’s Gay Waves isn’t a thing. 




	5. 401-500

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Extra long time to make edition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note: tw for attempted rape bc of niles.

  1. Niles, the Ocean’s Gay Waves isn’t a thing. 
  2. Yes it is -;)
  3. Niles is now banned from making rules and is in Gay baby jail. 
  4. Due to recent events, Lyon needs to stay at least 3 feet away from Lyn due to him thinking she can do the windy thing.
  5. Also Lyon needs friends outside of the Renais twins. Someone please endure his Homestuck obsession
  6. Guys, stop telling the Robins, Grimas and Corrins to “go fuck themselves”, they’re taking it literally. 
  7. Marth, can ya stop acting so depressed now that we got 5 Lyns? You do realize that the 15th anniversary for Blazing Sword was a couple of days ago right?
  8. Also due to the 15th anniversary being here we have new heroes from said world. Please be kind to Pent, Louise, Kent.
  9. LYON WE TOLD YOU ABOUT THE HOMESTUCK.
  10. Thank you Ike for dragging Knoll here so Lyon will have someone to talk about Homestuck with. 
  11. Arvis, how did your brother get here? It’s a legit question we are all asking right now. 
  12. Ok, we somehow got some Judgral heroes mixed in so now we have Azel, Lex, Ethlyn, Dew, Julius, and Quan.
  13. REINHARDT WHAT DID WE TELL YOU ABOUT DUNKING ON JULIUS!? AND STOP SUPPORTING HIM ARVIS! 
  14. Hamstaek is now legal in all areas. -Lyon
  15. We are removing that rule. Plus, that isn’t how you even spell homestuck. 
  16. Hey, Berkut, enough of the mlg memes around Dew please. 
  17. Ethlyn is not related to Lyn in any sense. Stop asking. 
  18. Finn, are you ok? There was a lot of crying noises and empty ice cream containers in your room.
  19. We are now implementing a “Get Lyon some friends” club every week, because that man needs more than 3. 
  20. Ravioli Ravioli ZEPHIEL STOP WANTING TO FUCK THE DRAGON LOLIS. 
  21. Asking Kaze or Lucina to “get lit” is now banned. 
  22. Lyon, why or how did you tell MILA OF ALL PEOPLE about Homestuck?
  23. Also don’t question why I got into Arvis’ closet. It’s for a convention. I have his permission. 
  24. Somehow Niles got out of jail and gave several dolls blowjobs. This is not Kellam’s fault. 
  25. Someone stop Zephiel. He’s adopting all the dragon kids. Though he is a good dad. 
  26. Maria, stop announcing your brother’s shippy fanfic of him and Lloyd at dinner. 
  27. Same also applies to Nino despite not being able to read. 
  28. No guys, fucking chickens won’t teach Nino to read. This isn’t south park
  29. Furthermore, screaming “Oh my god they killed Anthony!” and “You bastard” after the first phrase is banned until Anthony turns 18. He does not need to be repeating said language. 
  30. Guys, I did not steal any of the dolls from the store for my quarters. Those are mine from my world. If you hurt any of them, I will kill you with a plastic spoon and stick your ass on the wall above the library’s fireplace. 
  31. Can someone please land the fucking drone that’s stalking me? It’s creepy. 
  32. Can we stop with the pineapple on pizza debate. There’s a bigger evil out there than that. 
  33. Whoever gave Lukas a bunch of sugar before the tempest is probably going to feel Reinhardt’s hands up their ass.
  34. Kaze is not Green Saizo or Green Arvis. 
  35. Sigurd, Seliph, I’m not going to burn the Sigurd plush for my cosplay, you guys can calm down
  36. Also where is Seliph?
  37. Edit: Found him in a separate room I didn’t even know we had with the Sigurd plush and having a tea party. We’re not going to make fun of him.
  38. Xander, Anthony is not worse than getting killed. THE MAIN 3 NEAR HIM OUTSIDE OF MYSELF CAN AND WILL KICK YOUR ASS
  39. Who gave Matthew two knives? He’s trying to kill Jaffar. 
  40. Hey, can we not make Disney jokes around Jaffar, Ursula and Shigure?
  41. Please continue - Shigure (it makes me feel pretty)
  42. Yes Reinhardt lifts weights with Hector and Effie, no he isn’t using it for evil, just to pick all of us up for hugs. 
  43. Shade, stop trying to figure out how to drop Bartre on Sutur’s head. It’s getting annoying. -Alfonse
  44. Leon, please stop with the “move I’m gay” for a bit. 
  45. Any mentions of Jake Paul and Logan Paul will result in toilet cleaning duties. After Sully’s cooking.
  46. Tobin, are you dressing M!Kana up as Chibi Moon?
  47. “Rocking around the Nyxmas tree” Jokes are banned until the week before Christmas. No I don’t care about christmas in july for this crap.
  48. Also “Shoot me Santa” jokes are 300% banned. Anthony’s crying again and it’s kind of hard to summon with one hand and hold him in the other. 
  49. Raven is not a Raven. Henry, we’re serious. 
  50. WE ARE NOT EATING BLOODY TAMPONS PERI
  51. Hinoka, Reina, enough with the better flying archer debate. 
  52. Though I am open to discussion of topics, having arguments involving Nintendo vs Xbox vs Sony is not ok at 3 am. And very loud ones at that
  53. What’s with all the happy meal boxes lying around? Do dragons eat that much?
  54. Arvis, stop trying to set Oliver on fire. I know that Raquesis told you to maybe burn some calories, but that is offensive to him, and you know rotting flesh makes horrible smores. 
  55. Would anyone like to explain where all of these random stuffed animals came from? And all of them have To Anthony on them.
  56. Edit: Anthony confirmed it was his best friend sending them. How she can tap into our mail I have no clue.
  57. “Heroes, let’s get the hell out of here.” is not an appropriate response to being defeated HECTOR
  58. No you guys cannot bitch about Anthony having a little kid’s room. He’s only 11, and he was kidnapped when he was 4 so get over it.
  59. Male Robin will now be holding story sessions at night seeing as the stormy season is approaching. Please be respectful to him.
  60. Who is screaming the DK Rap at 4 am every Monday? We like our sleep here folks.
  61. No Camilla, you cannot infantilize Anthony due to his small size and innocent nature. This rule also applies to Berkut as well, he is sick of all the nightmares you gave him. Further ignorance to this rule will have me send a riled up Reinhardt at you and he’s mean when he’s pissed off. 
  62. Permission to send Azama home Hinoka? He keeps shoving dead rodents up people’s asses. 
  63. Hector, no more Wrecking Balls please. 
  64. Everyone, the Hunger Games is not an eating contest. Stop convincing Stahl and Effie this.
  65. Reinhardt, are you ok? I know Julius and Ishtar were confirmed but you seem very emotional
  66. Also welcome new heroes Leen and Ares. 
  67. Raquesis, you did not do it with Eldigan. Quit calling him your son
  68. Odin needs to be at least 6 ft away from Eldigan and Ares without supervision. YOU KNOW WHY ODIN
  69. Sain, Leen won’t twerk on you. 
  70. fadsjosefmkoasfekopsefkpofsenobdjpAW
  71. Nino is not allowed to make rules until she learns how to read. 
  72. Where did all these girl scouts cookies come from? And the EL Fudge cookies.
  73. Nevermind, Lukas was being taught how to use conjure spells by Henry.
  74. Berkut, not all dark magic is bad. Lyon and Henry are both good examples of this. 
  75. Hector is not going to baby jail guys, he’s done way better than some. 
  76. Any multiple Lyn jokes will result in her bench pressing you. 
  77. I have disposed of all spare Arthurs since we fucked up on the legendary banner and only got a smoller Genny out of it. Our Arthur is now +10 so I suggest you let him do his justice. 
  78. There are rumors kinda of the Nohr royals having Grima blood and Anthony having some other dragon blood or somethin, I will look into it.
  79. The Nohr rumors are true and Anthony descended from Faye and Berkut. Idk how that happened but, maybe it happened on accident. 
  80. Edit: According to Mila, an alternate Faye found some of his sperm on the end of Kreimhild since he was using it like a dildo and… IDK THAT HAPPENED. WE ARE BOTH MORTIFIED.
  81. Rinea, both Faye and Berkut are alternate versions from the ones in the order so he will not cheat on you. I promise. 
  82. Shigure is not a Disney Princess, that seems a bit demeaning.
  83. Carry on. It still makes me feel pretty -Shigure 
  84. JULIUS STOP MAKING PRANKS ON REINHARDT AND SELIPH
  85. REINHARDT THIS DOESN’T GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO MAKE WALUIGI NOISES
  86. Guys, when Anthony wants upy’s, you give him them. He wants to feel tall. 
  87. I am now calling Male Grima Grima (well duh) and Fem Grima Ryoka (thank you otherworldly summoner)
  88. Guys, stop trying to erase Soleil’s biness. She is not a token lesbian, she is bi.
  89. Niles is now on permanent lockdown because he attempted to do something I don’t even believe he had the guts to do. 
  90. Thank you Talitiu for figuring out something is wrong.
  91. Also F!Kana is now Zephiel’s adopted daughter and Ishtar is legally in Talitiu’s custody, so now we can use “Fuck Hilda” as a battle cry without fear. 
  92. Julius, you will remain in gay baby jail until a. Further notice or b. You become a red armor dragon.
  93. Where did all these cats come from?
  94. Edit: Alm and Celica, we need to talk about all the kittens Sir Purr made with his “hairem”. 
  95. Uncle jokes are now forbidden around Soren and Berkut. 
  96. How in the ass did Arvis make amazing smores with just Valflame? That man needs a cooking show
  97. Tiki is not british, she just has the accent.
  98. Stop asking Virion about cwossoaints. He isn’t french
  99. Hoshido is not filled with weebs. Same goes with Nohr but with goths
  100. Edit to 478: Anthony is not related to Faye and Berkut. Niles was being an asshole again. 
  101. Niles, Julius and Azama are now to be called the asshole trio: Niles for trying to **** Ephraim, Julius for being a dick to Reinhardt and Ishtar and Azama for shoving dead hamsters up people’s asses. 




	6. 501-600

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Extra Long to Make edition & Knuckles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took several months to write so there's a bunch of holidays. 
> 
> Rules 552 and 553 were inspired by this amazing work: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15065147 and I had to incorporate it in some way.

  1. Reinhardt, you are not allowed to mutter “Stupid Sexy Flanders” when someone attractive kills you. Especially Loki disguised as Lukas!
  2. Don’t even question why Helbindi is here, Yglr snuck out and got his sister here as well so we’re all good. 
  3. Henry, Odin, we are not bringing Lissa’s stitching and Kagero’s art to life to scare the enemy. Reinhardt can do that on his own.
  4. Can we like not spoil infinity war?
  5. Quit asking Lon’qu if he knows de wae, doesn’t chuckle or if he’s groaning in intense discomfort. HE HAS DRAGONS FOR A WIFE AND KID FOR FUCKS SAKE
  6. OLIVER GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM LUCIUS. RAVEN ALONG WITH BOEY CAN AND WILL KILL YOU
  7. Cordelia, Catria, we know it’s you trying to slip either love potions or date rape drugs into Marth’s and Chrom’s food. Gordin and Frederick had to have their STOMACHS PUMPED. NOT EVEN FAYE AND THARJA IS THIS BAD
  8. Edit: Tharja tried to kidnap the Robins and Grimas. She is now permanently in baby jail.
  9. Tharja is a horrible mom to Noire. -Henry.
  10. Ok, when even HENRY isn’t on your side, you’ve got issues. 
  11. I know mother’s day was yesterday but don’t make the Hoshido siblings upset. 
  12. Also Titania is wondering where all these presents with her name on them came from. We know at least 2 are from Ike and Mist but there’s 48 unidentified packages. 
  13. Reinhardt, should we even ask why you were singing it’s over isn’t it?
  14. RULE 506 ALSO APPLIES TO RAQUESIS! 
  15. Why is there a Temmie here? Just why?
  16. And now it has Hoives. Nice job assholes. 
  17. Ike is on Julius watch bc of his accidental sweep. 
  18. Does Soren not know what a friendship hug is? Because Reinhardt does that to a lot of people and doesn’t deserve to be thrown into a wall because of it. 
  19. Sain, paying Lene to twerk on you is still banned.
  20. In fact all lewd acts with her in general are banned.
  21. Jaffar must now be monitored when on Deviantart since he nearly killed someone after finding Nino bondage. 
  22. Edit: This also applies to Lloyd. 
  23. Ok, what’s with all the lesbians?
  24. Edit: Nevermind, Reinhardt decided to throw Pride Month early here without our permissions. 
  25. We are not dehumanizing the LGBT+ community, we just wanted Reinhardt to tell us at least 2 days in advance. 
  26. Also we wanted to not have Julius throwing homophobic and transphobic slurs at people. Seriously dude, even the fucking priests are chiller than you on this thing.
  27. Reinhardt is pansexual, but is not attracted to frying pans. How many times do I have to tell y’all this?
  28. Don’t question why Berkut is very supportive of them, we don’t even know
  29. Enough with the Gutsman’s Ass memes. I don’t want to explain this to anyone. 
  30. Bartre, we know Karla was just announced but why are you crying?
  31. Edit: Wow…
  32. We have new heroes aside from Karla and Legault so please give a warm welcome to Lianna, Rowan and Darios. 
  33. No Darios is not Berkut’s and Arvis’ love child
  34. Rowan is not Naruto’s and Sothe’s love child
  35. Ike, don’t strangle them for not letting you and Seliph in. 
  36. Nino, why is Linus here?
  37. Reinhardt, while I appreciate the timing, you can no longer do the “Omea wa shinderou” meme until we can kill Surtr for good.
  38. +10 pearl points for me finally spelling his name right
  39. Arvis is no longer allowed to make smores without Sigurd or Fjorm watching him. We don’t want zombie smores.
  40. Knoll, we saw your scribbles on the bulletin board. We aren’t mad at you at all, in fact we’re really glad you want to be how you feel on the inside. 
  41. Hector this is the third time in a row you've shown armads as a weapon
  42. Noire is here as a summer unit so keep her away from her mom.
  43. With the new voting gauntlet about, no more roasting memes please. 
  44. Also ike and Zelgius need to chill the fuck out
  45. Lyon has officially scared Velezark out of Darios by telling him about homestuck. We should start to take this man a lot more seriously
  46. Should I ask what this sticky white stuff is on the ground?
  47. Edit: OH MY GOD THAT IS FUCKING DISGUSTING
  48. To summarize: Reinhardt found that one cheesecake thing and his pants became so wet that Valentia’s agricultural problems would be non existent.
  49. Soren can you stop biting Lyon for somehow winning against Ike in the vg. He's mortified as is because he has to fight HARDIN of all people.
  50. Can we stop with the Ancient Aliens memes around Zelgius? 
  51. EPHRAIM WE DO NOT WRESTLE SHARKS
  52. I'm not sure where the hell you guys got the idea that Ygir is like older than Reinhardt along with Laegarn and Surtr dating but it needs to stop
  53. Also Ylgr doesn't smoke
  54. Hector this is the third time in a row you've used armads as a weapon. Change it up a bit. 
  55. Lyon why are you telling the 6 losers of the vg about Homestuck?
  56. Also what happened at the Fourth of July festival was utterly cruel and disgusting. Why would you be a dick to Anthony, prey on his fears and almost sent him into a flashback that would've hurt a lot of people. The mastermind behind this will be put in gay baby jail permanently
  57. In not sure when the hell im going to Disney for my birthday because y'all are fucking lil shits and I can't trust you with anything.
  58. 557 does not apply to the responsible ones.
  59. Legion, can we not fight with Helbindi? He's our ally. Thank you.
  60. Why is there so many Mountain Dew cans by Berkut's bedroom door?
  61. If Reinhardt just randomly falls asleep on you, be prepared to not move for a few hours. He's been having nightmares a lot and they cause him no sleep. 
  62. Berkut are you ok because of the most recent Steven Bomb?
  63. Edit: According to Leon, there was more gay in it than our pride month celebration. 
  64. Due to rumors about new worlds opening up, all trained heroes will be split off into teams to investigate the problem. Reinhardt will stay with me until he recovers. 
  65. The world's in question all have GHB so be prepared for more psychos to join our ranks. 
  66. Also Mycen for some reason. Why is he a grand hero battle? Alm nor any of the ram villagers have any idea why. 
  67. No I am not telling you what words like Yeet mean.
  68. Also nicely timed homestuck reference on Anthony's birthdays Lyon
  69. Long story short Valla. It's fucking wierd
  70. No, no one is allowed to make I don't feel so good jokes, the problem has been taken care of with the curse. -Azura
  71. I'm not sure where all these packages came from but everyone now has possessions from my world so…. 
  72. No you cannot fight Zelgius for his Wobbefet plush. 
  73. Or Anthony with anything. God why are you guys dicks to him? 
  74. Update to the worlds: We have the few remaining bits of Valentia, the beast tribes of Tellius and the Spotpass members of Awakening. Will keep everyone posted.
  75. Yes Chrom, Emm is coming back.
  76. Gaius may or may not have stumbled upon a pedophile site for Furries. Either way it's banned from our computers because that's really fuckig disgusting.
  77. Why is Kamui here and hiding in our rations with all our fucking bags of Doritos? 
  78. Due to Lyon winning the voting gauntlet, all of us (mainly the losers except Hardin since he randomly fucked off and others) will be attending his Homestuck how to class. He's doing his best ok?
  79. Leon, we have no idea when Valbar is coming. We will let you know when he shows up.
  80. Friendly reminder that Xander can no longer be sent to kill enemy Elises.
  81. Anthony’s and Sanaki’s foreheads are not those wrinkly dildo puppets from Japan. For fucks sake they're 13!
  82. Gray, stop tipping Camilla and Camus for no reason. They aren't cows.
  83. Comparing slow walking to Berkut and Reinhardt is now banned. At least do it to Sophia.
  84. Lute is sitting in the corner for breaking my pity rate a while back during the og bride banner and making Reinhardt feel inferior and cry. 
  85. Also lute memes are banned until Artur comes.
  86. Karel needs to stop fucking everything he can. He literally stuck his dick into the roast Eirika made for the voting gauntlet as it just came out of the oven.
  87. Chrom, unpeel your oranges before you devour them
  88. Lonqu why is there an order for 5,000 potatoes?
  89. Corrin stop playing the drums at night
  90. I'm sorry Faye but we can't keep the naked images of all the lords up. They all look very nice but they are all embarrassed
  91. Shouting "by the mullet of Siegbert" is banned and very offensive to him, his dad and his mom.
  92. Selena is no longer allowed to wear clothes for the rest of the week as she pissed away our budget on lotions.
  93. When I mean clothes I mean her main clothes. She will be given an empty flour sack courtesy of Felicia making too much cake for Anthony’s birthday
  94. Yes Berkut, your descendant is a mix of Linda and Ryoma. We call him Walmart.
  95. *Walhart -Alm (who is also confused about him)
  96. Reinhardt and Seth need to stop messing with each other's ladies because of same voice actor jokes
  97. This applies to Sigurd and Clive
  98. We are not going to make fun of Darios puppets of war, they were hand crafted by him and they actually are really detailed
  99. Shade it is 5 am why are you making rules? -Alfonse
  100. Because I have no control over my life. -Shade




	7. 601-700

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one that took fucking forever since I had writers block and I forgot half of the shit I wrote

  1. Eldigan, go sit in the corner for 5 minutes because you broke my pity rate for Noire or Summer Innes.
  2. Sigurd, Raquesis, CALM YOUR TITS THAT ELDIGAN IS HERE
  3. OWAIN NO! JUST BECAUSE ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN STEAL MYSTLETAAIN
  4. Raven for the second time LIBRA I NEVER FUCKING MIND I JUST GOT PITY BROKEN BY HIM AGAIN
  5. Sane shade here, sorry for that rant. Anyways please give warm welcomes to the Apostle Sanaki, her advisor Sephiran, Summer Ryoma, Summer Elincia, Brave Lucina and Brave Veronica.
  6. Alf, B!V isn't the V from our timeline if my knowledge is correct.
  7. Edit, this is the Veronica from our timeline.
  8. I am not “The Gakupo.” -Ryoma
  9. Shanna, pineapple doesn't go on pizza
  10. Arden is no longer a bench warmer after his contribution to the most recent tempest sighting. 
  11. Ike, Zelgius, Soren…. What's going on between you guys and Sephiran?
  12. Celica… Run away from Reinhardt when your brave form shows up. He wants death blow 4 aka let's kill fucking everything
  13. Yes Hector doesn't wield armads with his brave form. No the world isn't ending
  14. I KNOW ABOUT THE JAMKE GHB ARDEN TOLD ME
  15. Who's the emo Lucius? -Hector
  16. Guys, stop putting freaking life like training dummies in your beds in order to get out of training. Shade keeps freaking out… -Anthony and Berkut
  17. WHO’S THE ALPHA NOW BITCH!? -Anthony
  18. WHO TAUGHT ANTHONY TO SWEAR!? -Shade
  19. In other news, Sigurd, Eldigan, Quan isn’t voiced by Alm so your joke is kinda ruined. Thank Boey for that
  20. Lene, we won’t have you attack your mom.
  21. Reinhardt needs to be retrieved from a tree. Again. Nice going Lewyn.
  22. There is not a misspelling in my summer title Shade. -Elincia
  23. Raq… Are you ok? 
  24. The fliers are not allowed to torment Quan and Ethlyn. ESPECIALLY WYVERN RIDERS MICHALIS
  25. Due to new events occuring, we need to go save Veronica and the actual Ylgr. Along with getting Reinhardt down from a tree. AGAIN
  26. Loki is a bitch.
  27. Also Camilla, put clothes on. I know it’s for the summer aesthetic but please. We’re in Nifl.
  28. Lon’qu put your clothes back on when we’re in Muspell. 
  29. Arvis, remove the bologna from your face. 
  30. Quan’s lance isn’t called the Gay Blog, it’s called the Gae Bolg. What are you guys, 13?
  31. No offense to Nino and Anthony on that comment. 
  32. Jaffar, why are you stalking me?
  33. SILAS COME HOME I DON’T WANT PERI
  34. We have Muspell generals. We are unstoppable
  35. My theme isn’t judgral based - Ike
  36. We now have 2 Julius’. The sweet one is Julius, the asshole is Yurius.
  37. Elise why did it take you so long?
  38. Also -atk +res, really Lewyn?
  39. ETHLYN IS PRECIOUS PROTECT HER -Reinhardt
  40. Roy if I win the gauntlet you’re no longer allowed to pursue my daughter -Hec
  41. She may not be blood related but I am taking in Julia as a daughter -Sigurd
  42. Same here but with Seliph -Arvis
  43. WE NOW HAVE HARDIN, LYON YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO
  44. Guys, no more UWU speak in the suggestions box. 
  45. Don’t ask about the Arbok. He is a good boi
  46. Guys, for Eir’s sake, no more power rangers jokes. 
  47. Takumi, stop with the nohrian scum thing. You are working with leo on the tempest no matter what.
  48. Also we have gotten a lot of 5 stars haven’t we?
  49. The Laguz AREN’T FURRIES - Ike
  50. VICTORY SCREECH FOR ALM AND HIS POSSIBLE WIN OF CYL3
  51. Also 7 alts, the fuck Camilla?
  52. And Hinoka played me like a fiddle for Anthony -Shade
  53. Alf, no more “I lived bitch.” please? For my sake.
  54. Also Hrid is gay for Leo. -Fjorm
  55. I fucking knew something wasn’t straight about him. -Niles 
  56. Niles is still prohibited from making rules. 
  57. Yes, Owain is Frederick’s son. Get over it. 
  58. Lon’qu is also not a furry. 
  59. I suppose Chrom did get his chance another day.
  60. Also for all y’all wondering, we’re having smash heroes join us for a lil fun. 
  61. Yes, Lillina is represented by Palutena, Hector. Doesn’t help you’re represented by Simon Belmont. 
  62. Guys, enough trying to make Takumi eat floor ice cream, it’s not sanitary. 
  63. Yes berkut, you didn’t get into smash but one of your themes did. I don’t know why. 
  64. Kirby is a precious round boi - Anthony
  65. And our smash friends are here so be nice to them. Got it?
  66. This rule has been removed by Richter Belmont. Your welcome. 
  67. Why is Hector wrestling King K.Rool?
  68. And why is Incineroar joining?
  69. This rule has also been removed by Richter
  70. Yes, Snake has a thick ass, we get it. Please stop. 
  71. Camilla, stop trying to compare with Palutena. It’s annoying. 
  72. Reinhardt, put the other Lucas down. He has nothing to do with our Lukas. 
  73. And where are the rest of the kids?
  74. Edit: I have since been ambushed. Send help. I am currently in the broom closet. 
  75. No need for religion wars guys, we have LITERAL GODS in the vicinity. 
  76. Anyone with good resistance needs to save Mega Man from the Mages taking him apart. 
  77. Also someone stop Kirby and Effie from eating all of the food. 
  78. Reinhardt, put Pichu down. It will hurt you and itself -Lukas
  79. I’ve only had Pichu for a half hour and if something were to happen to it, I would kill everyone in the order and then myself. Except for Lukas and Anthony.-Reinhardt
  80. Dude, we need to talk-Berkut
  81. The rules book isn’t for discussions guys. -Alfonse
  82. ALSO WHO AND WHY DID SOMEONE TEACH ANTHONY TO SWEAR!?-Berkut, who’s still pissed. 
  83. Ok, Frederick, you and Wii Fit Trainer need to stop trying to kill everyone with exercise. That’s what the land of the dead is. 
  84. WHO IS MAKING EXPAND DONG MEMES?!
  85. What’s with all the screaming. Never mind, we have 3 links. 
  86. Also Ridley. 
  87. Why and when did we get a plant?
  88. Ok, it bit Niles in the ass, that’s funny.
  89. I am giving permission to Marth and Richter to maintain order in my current state.
  90. Why not me?-Alfonse
  91. Because you don’t have enough meta power to.-Meta Knight.
  92. Poyo!-  <(^_^)>
  93. Does anyone know what he said?-Ike
  94. He’s saying Hi. -Marth
  95. Okay- Ness.
  96. What did we say about the discussion!?-Alfonse
  97. Shut it Benchwarmer. -Ike
  98. Which one of you is unleashing the big gay dance?-Fjorm.
  99. Who knows? -Everyone
  100. Current Predictament: Still locked in the broom closet. -Shade.




	8. 701-800

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was brought to you by Code Ment

  1. Cherche, please stop riding Ridley. Samus is getting unnerved. -Marth
  2. Yes Berkut, Duma is the next mythic hero. ~Eir
  3. No Berkut, you may not kill Duma and exchange his corpse for Doritos -Reinhardt
  4. #MythicSeliphWhen -Sigurd
  5. Everyone, no more bending in the castle, do it on the training grounds. -Marth
  6. Also Fox, Wolf, Falco, Snake, no more guns. You’re giving Reinhardt too many ideas. -Also Marth
  7. ANTHONY IS NOT A FUCKING GREMLIN XANDER -Berkut
  8. Could some of the more indecent heroes cover up? Like why does armor knights and cavaliers need panties exposed?- Richter
  9. +1 for Camilla
  10. The summer heroes are not involved with the indecency rule. Camilla and Loki do need to put on more clothes because there are children around -Marth
  11. Everyone from smash bros needs to stop attacking Innes and Arvis, they may have the same VA as the hands, but aren’t the hands
  12. Bayonetta, can we not perform “the taunt” in front of Anthony, Seliph, Alm, Celica, and anyone else without a mom? It’s very hurtful to them. -Marth
  13. Everyone needs to stop asking me if I have a cat digimon with rabies - Raquesis
  14. Ditto but with a seal that’s kind of an idiot but a loveable one -Tobin
  15. Please stop dressing my brother as Tai and me as Kari -Olwen
  16. And me as bulbasaur -Also Olwen
  17. Who dismembered a cow on roast beef day? Anthony and Benny are crying. -Ike
  18. And who unleashed a peacock!? -Marth
  19. Sorry. You all needed some class. -Clarine
  20. We also now have masked attackers attacking with cherry bombs. Please buddy up and stay on high alert. -Marth
  21. Guys, no more vegetable oil on the stairs. Everyone keeps falling. -Seliph
  22. Who unleashed chickens in the main barracks? At least 8 chickens died due to Link and Ike killing them for meat. 
  23. Edit: No more Cuccos Ganondorf. 
  24. Who tied Genny to the fountain and splattered paint everywhere? -Sigurd
  25. Woomy! 
  26. Inklings do not take responsibility for the prank, Sigurd. They were with me the whole time -Richter
  27. Whoever put laxative in my brownies and fed said brownies to Anthony is going to be murdered. - Julia
  28. Niles is now on lockdown after exposing himself to several children, asking Toon Link for “a blow job the king of Red Lions would be proud of” and sent the phallic pictures to every member of the order. Capture on sight and lock him in the baby cage. - Leo with edits by the rest of the Horse Emblem Squad
  29. Tiki, why are there ladybugs everywhere? -Celica
  30. Who put the barracks for sale on Ebay?-Marth
  31. And now someone else has put Anthony for sale. AGAIN -Eliwood
  32. ATTENTION HEROES! I am still stuck in the broom closet. Thank you for managing yourselves without my advice. Also someone send poptarts, I’m so hungry I’m about to eat the Tide Pods -Shade
  33. Snake, stop putting dog shit under your box and making people find it, it’s not funny.
  34. Also we have a masked man placing flaming dog shit at peoples doors in bags. Please alert any Ice based hero before attempting to put out the fire.
  35. Quit putting Isabelle up for adoption you fuckers. -Snake
  36. Henry, we are not building a graveyard. You know what will happen if Boey finds out.
  37. Guys, It’s 20Biteen, why are we taking inspiration from Logan Paul and Sam Pepper?
  38. Also NO MORE FORTNITE DANCES 
  39. Cappy is not a toy to possess people with. -Luigi
  40. Falco, stop the taunt + down smash shitposting, the kids are getting the wrong idea. -Marth
  41. Peri has stolen all of the knives. 
  42. PERI PUT THEM DOWN! 
  43. I’m sorry Lord Leo that I cannot stop her, as you can see, I’m tripping balls right now! -Odin/Owain
  44. It would seem that I’m tripping too! -Felicia
  45. Oh god I’m tripping balls! -Sumia
  46. I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to be doing? -Anthony
  47. Oh no! Now I’m tripping balls! -Camus
  48. Dude I’m tripping balls -Reinhardt
  49. Dude I’m tripping balls -Berkut
  50. I’m tripping balls! -Chrom
  51. Oh I’m doing fine -Anthony
  52. Oh there it goes. There goes my lunch -Anthony again
  53. Gotta go over the agenda people, alright after this, no more discussions on this. Also Berkut needs to stop taking the Mountain Dew out of the Mini fridge in the tactics room.  Item Number 2. We have a brand new refurbished room brought to you by Isabelle but in order to get the room, you need to come up with a better idea than Human Bullets. Ok Go. -Robin
  54. How about a gun that shoots like mini sandwiches? -Stahl
  55. No we’re not doing that! -Robin
  56. How about a gun that when you shoot, you can curve the bullet so it can go around things? -Gordin
  57. No no, come on people we need good ideas -Robin
  58. How about a gun that shoots another gun? -Seliph
  59. I like it but it’s missing something-Robin
  60. How about a gun that shoots another gun that shoots humans out of it?-Takumi
  61. Takumi gets the room. -Robin
  62. Get down from there! -Berkut
  63. FROM WHERE!? -Duma
  64. FROM THE ROOF DUMA! -Berkut
  65. NO! -Duma
  66. DUMA! GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW! -Berkut
  67. NO I’M NOT DOING IT YOU’LL JUST STICK FALCHION IN MY SHINS! -Duma
  68. YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I WILL NOW GET DOWN! -Berkut
  69. NO! -Duma
  70. GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW! -Berkut
  71. NO! -Duma
  72. Hey, what’s going on? -Rinea
  73. Duma won’t get down from the roof again after Alm won CYL 3 -Berkut
  74. Did you try threatening his shins? -Rinea
  75. OF COURSE I DID! -Berkut
  76. This rule is now under lockdown by Reinhardt
  77. ALSO ELIWOOD GOT 2ND PLACE IN THE VG! ALM WON! -Berkut
  78. Camilla is 500% salty that I won-Michaiah
  79. I lost to a corpse with no personality -Reinhardt
  80. I can’t even be voted for but Brigand Boss can -Anthony
  81. Cheer up lads, I’m sure you’ll win eventually. I mean if Ridley did then you two can as well. -Bayonetta 
  82. SILAS HAS BEEN SUMMONED SO BE NICE TO HIM-Shade 
  83. Also I am still in the broom closet-Shade
  84. I have released Shade from the broom closet. Now where are my bagels? -Duma
  85. When you get down from the roof. -Berkut
  86. Hey, why does the new guy sound exactly like me? -Dark Pit
  87. Because Fuck You Pittoo that’s why. -???
  88. Guys, I’m not in love with Soren. Please leave me alone for the teaser valentine’s Image- Ike
  89. There is no such market for Order of Heroes branded porn. No matter how many fanfictions say otherwise -The entire order
  90. No u-Anna
  91. Anna is under temporary watch for making new rules
  92. Is it bad that I’m so happy that Feh got her entire cake this year? -Shade
  93. No it isn’t she deserves it. -Marth
  94. Reinhardt, the blessing restriction with Dragonflowers is not only to keep you from god tier but to not get you sick from eating too many. -Fjorm
  95. Oh god he pulled out a mage of mind costume from his closet. -Shade
  96. Did someone say Homestuck?-Lyon
  97. NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT HOMESTUCK LYON! -Fjorm
  98. Great, now the smashers are asking me what a homestuck is. -Shade
  99. Where am I and what’s a homestuck? -Greil
  100. HOLY SHIT DAD! -Ike




End file.
